You probably think your wolfhound understands many of the words you speak to him.
But do those words mean the same to him as they do to you?
This short illustrated guide, written by a wolfhound, gives an insight into his vocabulary.
Bath
This is a process by which your human drenches the floor, walls and himself. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
If you are able to escape during the procedure, try to do so when your are covered in lather, then head for the living room. You can then shake as much as you like, depositing suds on all surfaces. Humans don't like this, but it's a good way of delaying the next bath.
A wolfhound thinking hard
about returning to her owner.
Deafness
A malady that affects wolfhounds when their person wants them to come and they want to go, or maybe the human wants them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction. The human can be brought to a very satisfying state of fury by the wolfhound apparently hearing the command, pausing to think about it, looking as though about to obey . . .
and then running in the opposite direction.
Dog bed
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered sofa.
These sort of furnishings are especially comfortable when you are wet and muddy. A caring owner will fully understand your need for a little extra pampering at such times, and will express his pleasure with many excited cries of delight.
Any bed is acceptable;
as illustrated here, king-size is preferred.
Bump
This is the best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a cup of tea or coffee.
Advanced practitioners can also put the technique to good use at the table (see photo).
Preparing to bump
Waste bin
A dog toy which loving humans kindly fill with paper, apple cores and sweet wrappers for your amusement when they are out. When you're feeling bored and lonely, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. In this way you can happily pass the time until your people come home.
What's more, their delighted squeals when they open the door and see how much you have appreciated their thoughtfulness will gladden your heart and make all your efforts worthwhile.
Humans expect you to empty
the bins in their absence.
Drool
This is the correct procedure when your person has food and you don't. The best technique is to sit as close as you can to your human, thus allowing drool to form a pool on the surface of the table or in their lap. Expert droolers can produce long, slimey strings of drool (known as 'klingons') which they can hold in a state of suspended animation from their lower lips to very good effect.
The fear and tension that a long klingon produces in humans is very interesting to observe. Experience has taught them that by the time they have reached for the beard-wiping cloth the klingon will already have detached itself, but . . . they just can't resist trying.
When accompanied by large, soulful eyes the 'drool' is usually irresistible;
an unresponsive human is a sign of failed training on the part of the wolfhound -
your owner needs an intense course of rehabilitation.
Love
A feeling of intense affection, given freely, unconditionally and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to train your human to understand your needs and respond to them instantly.
If you're lucky, your humans will love you in return. If not, you probably haven't up-ended enough dustbins or muddied enough white sheets.
One of the highest forms of love
is that between
a wolfhound and his dad.
Thunder
Thunder, often combined with lightening, is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the sky is about to fall in. It is therefore your job to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and attempting to wedge yourself under the bed.
Sniff
A social custom used when greeting other dogs. Place the nose as close as possible to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
This can also be done to human crotches, and has particularly good results when carried out on women wearing white skirts.
Dustbin
A container which your humans and their neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. The idea is that you push the lid off with your nose - if you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers, beef bones and mouldy crusts of bread.
Well worth trying, as even failure can cause your human to turn a most interesting shade of puce.
